Robert Sprackland's Herpetology World

CHRISTMAS SONG BOOK--2014

 

 

ROBERT’S

CHRISTMAS TIME

SONGBOOK 2014

 

For people who like the music but are 
sick and tired of the standard lyrics, 
and for those who can’t carry a tune
in a hermetically sealed bucket!

                                                                                                                                     

Six original songs including the classic 
“Dragon’s Christmas”

Lyrics © 2003, 2013, 2014 by Robert Sprackland

 

Jingle Bills, Jango Bells, The Dragon’s Christmas,
The Secret Christmas Song, Oh Holy Cow,
The Shoppers’ Song, and
 The 12 Herpetological Days of Christmas!

 


 

 

JINGLE BILL$

© by Robert Sprackland, 2010

Allegro

Dashing through the snow, with cops in hot pursuit,
they think I've robbed a house despite my Santa suit.

It's hard to run through snow, my boots have got no cleats,
And where have all the reindeer gone? For them there'll be no treats!

(Chorus) Oh--

            Yes, of course, I'm Santa Claus, I really am Saint Nick!
            My work these days is really tough, but with kids I still click.
            To find a house that still leaves milk is really very hard;
            Everyone these days, it seems, pays by MasterCard.

Dashing through your cash as if it grew on trees
buying gifts and trash, the shopping is a breeze.

Don't make buying hard when paying at the till,
Never use a credit card, those interest rates can kill!

(Chorus) Oh--

The reindeer formed a guild, they fly from nine to five
That's dusk until the dawn my flying sleigh they'll drive.

The elves have got on board with a union that is new
It's double time for holidays with health insurance, too!

(Chorus) Oh--

Singa slowa down

My business I'll sell cheap; the elves and shop must go!
Then I am gonna move to someplace without snow.

My job you want, you think- a hint on how it's done:
Inside each can of Coke I drink I've added lots of rum!

(Chorus) Oh-- Yes, of course, I'm Santa Claus, I really am Saint Nick!
            I’m gonna sell the business and then move down south real quick.
            And one thing more I have to say, on you I must impress;
            That if you don’t have MasterCard use American Express!

 __________________________________________________________

 

JANGO BELLS

© by Robert Sprackland, 2009                     (To the tune of “Jingle Bells.”)

A cappella

Dashing through the stars, we fly through hyperspace
And practice Jedi arts, just like Master Mace.
We try to stay alive with Vader in pursuit
At least we know why he’s so mean, it’s sweaty in that suit!

(Chorus)

Use the Force, use the Force, that’s what Jedis do,
For strength or knowledge it’s okay, but evil is taboo!
So use the Force, use the Force, as Obi-Wan would say,
Trust your feelings and you, too, could be Jedi one day!

Anakin is strong, with him the Force is grand,
He wants to do what’s right, but he can’t understand.
Yoda funny talks, and Jango speaks odd too,
Tattoine is dry as dust, the water’s on Naboo.

(Chorus)

The Jedi overcame, the galaxy was saved
Vader offed the Emperor, boy was he depraved!
Everything’s secure, no one’s lost in space
May the force be with you, the republic’s now in place.

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THE DRAGONS’ CHRISTMAS

© by Robert Sprackland 2003

A cappuccino

‘Twas the week after Christmas and all through the cavern
Not a dragon was stirring, for they were all at the tavern.
Their great cave was cluttered with all their new gifts
Which the dragons tried cleaning by working in shifts.

But so many friends, the bats, birds and more,
Left dozens of gifts stacked from ceiling to floor!

They had played with their games from dusk until dawn
And one little dragon played darts with his horn!

With all these fine things they had so much to do –
There were gemstones and baseballs and a barbeque too.

So all through the night they opened these things,
So by morning there was no room to spread their own wings.

They slept all that day, which is what dragons do,
Then got up and cooked on their new barbeque.
They had wieners and burgers and a great deal of fun,
Then they ate all their chocolates – every last one!

But the cave was still crowded in every last room.
So out came the boxes, the trashbags and broom.

All of the animals who passed by that cave
Saw dust coming out, wave after wave.

“It must be a volcano!” cried a frightened young mouse.
But no, just those dragons cleaning their house.

They all worked together, a mighty fine team;
Packing and polishing until everything gleamed.

And when they were done, each one of them sighed,
Surveying the treasures they’d cleaned with such pride:

Stalagtites above and stalagmites below,
Dinosaur fossils and live mistletoe;
An old suit of armour, a huge slab of jade,
And some beautiful bagpipes (which all dragons played).

At long last the biggest, a great golden beast,
Said, “I think we have earned a great dragon feast!”

So they left single file, departing the cavern
And headed out to the Village Green Tavern.

There they ate and they drank and they sang until dawn,
Then they all fell asleep right there on the lawn.

Back at the cave they wrote all their friends,
Thanking them for all for the gifts they did send.
On the letters they wrote, “You’ll be delighted to hear,
We’re coming to YOUR house for Christmas next year!”

====================================================================

THE CHRISTMAS SECRETS SONG

© by Robert Sprackland, 2011                   (To “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”)

Vivace, ala bama

You better not pout, you better not pry, you watch your back, I’m telling you why:
The NSA has come to your town.

The no-fly list has slowed Santa down, this city he should have just flown around,
TSA is now in your town!

They watch you when you’re sleeping, they’re always on alert-
You can’t just frisk ol’ Santa Claus, unless you’re a pervert!

So watch who you see, and watch what you say, at least they let Santa back on his sleigh, Yes, Santa Claus is leaving this town!

====================================================================

Oh, Holy Cow

© by Robert Sprackland,  2004 (TO "O, HOLY NIGHT")


Porto bello

Oh, holy cow, why are you reclining? You haven’t yet jumped over yonder moon.

Long we did wait to see your famed performance, please do it now ‘cause there’s no moon at noon.

Neil Armstrong and the other astronauts, took three days each way with loads of hi-tech parts.

But you, you’re just a cow, and we hear NASA laughing-

And you have no load, you’ll fetch no rocks, so be rejoicing!

Now’s the time to leap, oh holy cow your legend we’ll keep.                              

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE SHOPPER’S SONG

© Robert Sprackland, 2010                (To tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)

Al dente

God sent some merry gentlemen to merchants far away,

To purchase things for Walmart stores to sell for Christmas Day.

And save us from no choice at all when we have cash to pay,

O-o-oh we love such opulence and choice, op’lence and choice,

O-o-oh we love such opulence and choice!

 

Selections are amazing and no buyer goes astray,

China makes most everything, but first they’ll shop Taipei.

Drop some coins in Vietnam and to Thailand make their way.

Only customs forms might cause delay, might cause delay,

Only customs forms might cause delay

 

Christmas time is very near and you’ve still gifts to buy,

But that is not a problem ‘cause your credit limit’s high!

And if that still is not enough then you can get a loan-

You should get enough by mortgaging your home, yes mortgage your home,

You should get enough by mortgaging your home!

 

Con affetto, con dolore:

Christmas Day has come and gone and Boxing Day is nigh,

You can now rejoice because there’s nothing else to buy.

The house is finally quiet now, no need to wonder why-

Gather the gifts you’ll take back to the mall, take to the mall,

Then tomorrow you can exchange them all!

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THE 12 DAYS OF HERPETOLOGICAL CHRISTMAS

© by Robert Sprackland, 2013, 2014                     (To the tune of… oh, go ahead and guess!)

ON THE FIRST day of Christmas my true love sent to me a Green Python in a pear tree... 

ON THE SECOND day of Christmas my true love sent to me two turtle eggs, and a Green Python in a pear tree...

ON THE THIRD day of Christmas my true love sent to me three Tokay Geckos, two turtle eggs, and a Green Python in a pear tree...

ON THE FORTH day of Christmas my true love sent to me, four Coral Snakes, three Tokay Geckos, two turtle eggs, and a Green Python in a pear tree...

ON THE FIFTH day of Christmas my true love sent to me, five Golden Toads...
four Coral Snakes, three Tokay Geckos, two turtle eggs, and a Green Python in a pear tree...

ON THE SIXTH day of Christmas my true love sent to me, six Frillies laying,
five Golden Toads...
four Coral Snakes, three Tokay Geckos, two turtle eggs, and a Green Python in a pear tree...

ON THE SEVENTH day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 
seven sea snakes swimming, six Frillies laying,
five Golden Toads...
four Coral Snakes, three Tokay Geckos, two turtle eggs, and a Green Python in a pear tree...

ON THE EIGHTH day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 
eight axolotls, seven Sea Snakes swimming, six Frillies laying,
five Golden Toads...
four Coral Snakes, three Tokay Geckos, two turtle eggs, and a Green Python in a pear tree...

ON THE NINTH day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
nine Lace Goannas, eight Axolotls, seven Sea Snakes swimming, six Frillies laying,
five Golden Toads...
four Coral Snakes, three Tokay Geckos, two turtle eggs, and a Green Python in a pear tree...

ON THE TENTH day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
ten Tuatara, nine Lace Goannas, eight Axolotls,
seven Sea Snakes swimming, six Frillies laying,
five Golden Toads...
four Coral Snakes, three Tokay Geckos, two turtle eggs, and a Green Python in a pear tree...

ON THE ELEVENTH day of Christmas my true love sent to me, eleven Gators gaping, 
ten Tuatara, nine Lace Goannas, eight Axolotls, seven Sea Snakes swimming, six Frillies laying,
five Golden Toads...
four Coral Snakes, three Tokay Geckos, two turtle eggs, and a Green Python in a pear tree...

ON THE TWELFTH day of Christmas my true love sent to me, twelve Flying Dragons,
eleven Gators gaping, ten Tuatara, nine Lace Goannas, eight Axolotls,

seven Sea Snakes swimming, six Frillies laying,
five Golden Toads...
four Coral Snakes, three Tokay Geckos, two turtle eggs, and a Green Python in a pear tree...